“SUICIDE”, Just to look at the word scares me! It’s amazing and sad to me how many people have actually thought about it, actually entertained ways of doing it, myself included.  It seems that with the way our lives are going as the human race, with the violence we see on t.v., the stresses at our jobs or maybe the stress of a lack of a job, our financial situations, our relationships, suicide seems pretty inviting.  What causes these thoughts to run ramped in our minds?  We get ourselves so caught up into the things of this world that we can’t see or refuse to see Jesus.  Sometimes the things of this world seem so overbearing and it seems there can’t be a way out, but we forget about the other hard times we have gone through before and how bad it sucked at that time,but somehow we made it through to the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year!  What if we looked at these things with a different mind set?  What if we look at them in a way that allows us to see the bigger picture?  What if we push the pause button in our racing minds for a minute and allow God to speak to us during these times?  What would God say to me if I just listened? 

     These things in which I just spoke of are the tools of the enemy!  He really don’t care what you think, what you do, what you say!  He wants us to consume ourselves with the things of this world, He wants us to consume ourselves with our families, He wants us to consume ourselves with our churches, He wants us to consume ourselves with our religions!  He encourages us to consume ourselves with everything that life has to offer, good or bad, except one thing!! “JESUS!!”  He doesn’t want you to have a relationship with Jesus, He doesn’t want you praying, He doesn’t want you getting obese in the word, He doesn’t want you to take off your blindfold!!

     So, is suicide really the end of our suffering, or just the beginning ?  

I love you Jesus, and I don’t know how to fix things in my life.  I struggle daily with my flesh and look for ways to control my situation.  “YOU” have given me the way to be free, “YOU” have shown me a better way, “YOU” have given me life, “YOU”, Jesus, are all I need. Help me see your face during my struggles and use these struggles to glorify your name. Amen



I was reading a book by Paul Trulin, the title of it is My Body His Life and inside he says something that I want to share, “The kingdom of God is not an organization, it is an organism.”

Just Wondering

I was going to work this morning and noticed that the homeless man I have been seeing for about the last year, was out from underneath the bridge sweeping up his mess he had made.  Then when I was coming home from work I noticed two police motorcycles sitting down by the edge of the bridge where the homeless man lives and by their bikes there was a garbage bag, full to the rim.  I keep thinking about this man, I wonder who he is, where was he born, where is his family, does he have a family?  I have all these things running through my head and my heart.  I love this man I don’t even know!  Why is that? I see a person sleeping under a bridge and I weep, I hurt.  God has given me this passion; this Love for people in trouble, this desire to be in community with them.  I don’t know what God’s plan is, but I pray that his will be done.  I would love to have the ability to open a shelter/soup kitchen that accepts people as they are.  That will allow people medical care, maybe even have licensed counselors on site to help with addiction and mental problems.  To be able to break bread everyday with people I don’t know and just Love them with this passion God has given me!  This passion is such a gift!! I am blessed to even know how to love. Thank you Father.

Hey guys!!  I hope you and Jesus are doing well.  Me and Jesus are doing “GREAT!!” now. Jesus has been doing well all along, it’s me that keeps cheating in our relationship.  I have been going through a lot of stuff lately and would like to share an e-mail I sent out to my Sat. group.  Well here it is:

Hey all!!,
     I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to everyone personally, so I thought I would type a few words. 🙂
     As most of you know Steph and I have been dealing with medical issues regarding Steph, and as of yesterday she finished her last test, and we received the test results complete.  They determined there is nothing wrong as far as the tests go!!?? I asked the Dr. what would be his best guess, and he said he would say it could be a mild form of MS.  We feel relieved that its not something life threatening, but at the same time, we would like to also have an answer.  I guess that’s where faith in God comes in, He is in complete control!!!
     Through all this I must confess that I have struggled with trusting God with the outcome.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time, broken for my wife, frustrated that I’m helpless, but still crying out to God that his will be done and fearing what that will might be.
     Steph has been an inspiration to me!  Watching her embrace God in a time that is most trying in a persons life.  Her strength, her faith, her love and her passion in Jesus has just blown me away!!  I always saw myself as her teacher and now find myself her student.  Maybe that’s how it’s been all along, It just now was made visible to me.
     As we face this together, accepting Gods will and pushing forward on our journey, seeking Jesus daily in our lives, Steph and I read nightly together and journal and then discuss what God has shown us.
    Apparently we pissed the enemy off!!   My step dad started in with abuse.  He accused me of horrible things. (having sex with my mom, being the devil, being a loser)  That’s just the tip of the ice berg.  As most of you heard in my timeline you are aware of the abuse I have endured my whole life from this person.  He threatened my life and told me he was going to pray that night and ask God that I would die.
     With everything that had been going on with Steph, the normal daily struggles and now the abuse from my childhood monster, I felt I was at my ropes end.  I have been fighting depression, self-pity and Isolation from community.  Basically, to put it bluntly, the enemy was beating the shit out of me!
     Becky K. called last weekend and stuck her nose in my business!! ( I thank God for that!) She asked if she could come over and pray with us. I could not believe I said “YES!!”  She came and just listened to me, showed me some attention and love from the Holy Spirit that I needed.  She came in with the full armor of God on and rebuked the enemy!  When she went home in the flesh, her heart was still with us in prayer. I know that, and I felt that.  That’s the “CHURCH”, “THE REAL BODY OF CHRIST!” 
     This week has been trying and a struggle, like being in the desert with little water.  God has been doing something in my life, I don’t really understand it.  But, I don’t think it’s for me to understand!!  Friday, I felt a thousand pounds being lifted off me, almost like being set free from a trap.  My hunger for Jesus is stronger than ever and I am in awe of Gods power.  I am in awe of the power of prayer.  I am in awe of the love I have received through my struggle.
     To be honest, I really did not want to write this tonight, but I felt like it was what God wanted me to do for the sake of his church.  I really don’t understand that, but I have found that there is a lot I don’t understand..
Your Brother in Christ,

(The Message:Romans 9:33)
“Careful!”, I’ve put a huge stone on the road to mount Zion, a stone you can’t get around. But the stone is me! If your looking for me, You’ll find me on the way, not in the way.
God really used this passage to communicate with me the other night. I always look at him as in my way! I feel sometimes I’m walking on a path and I see the stone in the middle of it and all I care about is whats on the other side of it and how exactly am I going to get there.

Since we have been dealing with Stephs testing, not knowing what is going to be the outcome, My step-dad’s abuse continues, I will be celebrating 39 years of abuse from him, worrying about our finances, worrying about what the market is going to do, worrying if my company is going under, worrying that I’ve pissed people off at church, worrying about our daughter and her life, worrying about our son and the choices he’s making. I try to fix these things, looking for band-aids to repair the unrepairable. I am the “MAN”, I can make it all better!!! *sigh*

I feel as though these things are on the other side of the stone. I keep trying to look around the stone and figure out what’s going on and how I can occupy my time with solutions for these things. I look around this nuisance stone, I would move it but I can’t! It’s always in my way!

I’ve never looked at my relationship with God like this until the other night when Steph and I were reading together. God showed this to me! He’s standing in the middle of my path, with his arms open, and I just push his arms away and try to look beyond him! I ignore him! I can’t believe how selfish I am! He loves me so much (John 3:16) He gives me “GRACE”!!

I want to find you on the way and not in my way. You are my rock and I pray you would teach me how to be content with just that. To not worry about what’s on the other side, but to only concern myself with you and me. I want you to stand in my path, I want you to change me.
Thank you Father for your word and the understanding that you give.

Your son,


I haven’t typed here in awhile.. God has been doing a huge work in me and my wife. I feel like sharing, so I pray that God will use this to maybe touch someone who is seeking according to his will.
About four weeks or so ago, my wife had been complaining of her arm and her leg going complety numb. So we thought she should go to the Doctor. She went to see the doctor on a Thursday, and he did a few simple tests and came to the conclusion that my wife will need more extensive tests with a brain specialist. The doctor kinda gave us the notion to think it could be a brain tumor, but he wanted to rule this out. My wife called me at work after she had seen the doctor and told me this news. I felt melty,scared,conquered,pissed. After I got off the phone with her, I started to pray, but felt dry? I frantically opened my bible and started to read, looking for some sort of comfort? I found nothing?? My head started to spin, thoughts about my faith started going through my head; Am I really a Christ follower?
Do I trust God?
All of a sudden I screamed in my head, “I DON’T TRUST GOD!” I love Jesus so much, but yet I don’t trust him? I started to think of ways I could fix the problem with my wife, how can I make things better? All I found was that I am helpless.. and this made me very sad. I had shared my feeling with a lady I work with, I thought she was a Christ follower? She talked the talk? She was apalled that I would feel this way,she said I need to go talk to a paster. Now looking back, the enemy was beating the crap out of me!! The next day was Friday and depression and guilt were my new friends. I kept praying to God, Please take this crap from me! I want to trust you! At this point I am ready to cry at the littlest things, so emotional.
Saturday came and I woke up and went to my mens group. These guys are my brothers, my mirror, my community. I had shared with them what was going on, thinking maybe this would take away the emotions I was feeling. IT DIDN”T!!! I went home and my wife was still at the church doing her Saturday womens group, so I sat on the couch, just simmering in my own pity. Then the phone rang!! It was this guy who had led me and my wife to Christ back in 1993!! We talk maybe 4 or 5 times a year. He told me that God told him to call, because something was wrong!! I started crying, he started crying. I told him what was going on. It flowed out of me just like water through a broken dam. I told him about my struggles with not trusting God!! He said, “Brother, You don’t have the power not to trust God!” WOW!!!!!!! I don’t have the power!!! We began to talk and pray and cry and love each other. Two men embraced in love over one subject, one shared love, and one body/bride of Christ. Nothing is more beautiful!! Over the phone he loved me, he shared in my pain, he took part of what I was feeling onto himself!! This is what the body of Christ should be all the time!!!
That night, my wife and I had our mixed group, and had been invited for dinner at the K’s house. These two people, this man and woman, has touched our lives more than they will ever know!! My wife and I started to share with them what had been going on, I became so broken. Tears just flowed and so did my heart. These two people are part of our journey and I thank God for that!!
Since then my wife has gone for an MRI, and they have discovered four spots on her brain. She will have to go through a few more tests to rule out M.S. The Dr. said in his opinion, this is what it could be, the beginings of M.S.
You know, I alway thought that I was my wifes teacher, that I was pushing the weeds out of the way to make the path easier? *laugh* My wife, through her braveness, her love for God, her Trust in God, her faith!! She has taught me more than I could ever put into words!! She is in love with Jesus, and for this I give God praise!!!
Because of this time in our journey that my wife and I are induring. Because of this struggle of not knowing. God has given us new eyes to see each other with. To cherish each moment that we spend together and to make the most of it. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been!! Our faith is stronger than it ever has been!! Our love is stronger than it ever has been!!
All I can say about all of this is:

p.S. Love each other in the way God loves us.


It really saddens me when I am talking to someone, or over hear someone, or listening to a speech by someone and he/she talks about being an angel one day.  We as the church don’t speak enough on these ideas that we get planted in us as children, then these ideas become truth to us.  Satan loves these ideas, he loves false truths, he loves and supports anything that will keep us away from the real truth in Christ Jesus.  I think sometimes folklore comes into play or old wives-tales overshadow the truth.  Our flesh loves these things and supports them.  Movies, books and television  depict us as angels after we die.  Why!!!??  Is that easier to swallow than telling people the truth!!??  That after you die, you will stand before GOD the creator of everything, nude, without your pastor, your spouse, your family, its just you and God.  If you know and love him personally, then it will be said, “Good job”, and you will enter the kingdom.  If your a good person and live a good life and follow the ten commandments and go to church every Sunday, only pray during Sunday service and your bible reading consists of relying on your pastors sermon,  then it will be said to you, “Depart from me, I never knew you.”  These poor souls are sentenced to an eternity of complete separation from God.

For those that heard “Good Job” they will be what the angels will never be, that is the only beautiful, unblemished, perfect bride of Christ.

Let me throw this out there:  Picture in your mind a courtroom, a judge, a defense attorney and a prosecutor and of course the defendant.  What is the prosecutors job, but to show how guilty you are.  How about the defense attorney?  His job is to show your innocent.  The judge, determines if your guilty or innocent.

     Satan is our prosecutor, He tells the Judge(God) all the things we have done, all the sins we have committed, all the reasons we should not get to be with him.  Then all of a sudden Jesus (the defense attorney) stands up, shouts I object! He is innocent for he is covered in my blood, I know him, and he knows me.  He is mine, and I am his.  The Judge says,,”CASE DISMISSED!!!!!”

Father I pray that all your children will hear the truth and stray away from the lies of the deceiver.  That you become our portion.  Father help us trust you and praise you in times of joy and times of despair.  That you are first in every thought and in every word we speak.  Please Father, your will be done.