I was reading a book by Paul Trulin, the title of it is My Body His Life and inside he says something that I want to share, “The kingdom of God is not an organization, it is an organism.”

Hey guys!!  I hope you and Jesus are doing well.  Me and Jesus are doing “GREAT!!” now. Jesus has been doing well all along, it’s me that keeps cheating in our relationship.  I have been going through a lot of stuff lately and would like to share an e-mail I sent out to my Sat. group.  Well here it is:

Hey all!!,
     I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to everyone personally, so I thought I would type a few words.
 
     As most of you know Steph and I have been dealing with medical issues regarding Steph, and as of yesterday she finished her last test, and we received the test results complete.  They determined there is nothing wrong as far as the tests go!!?? I asked the Dr. what would be his best guess, and he said he would say it could be a mild form of MS.  We feel relieved that its not something life threatening, but at the same time, we would like to also have an answer.  I guess that’s where faith in God comes in, He is in complete control!!!
 
     Through all this I must confess that I have struggled with trusting God with the outcome.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time, broken for my wife, frustrated that I’m helpless, but still crying out to God that his will be done and fearing what that will might be.
 
     Steph has been an inspiration to me!  Watching her embrace God in a time that is most trying in a persons life.  Her strength, her faith, her love and her passion in Jesus has just blown me away!!  I always saw myself as her teacher and now find myself her student.  Maybe that’s how it’s been all along, It just now was made visible to me.
 
     As we face this together, accepting Gods will and pushing forward on our journey, seeking Jesus daily in our lives, Steph and I read nightly together and journal and then discuss what God has shown us.
 
    Apparently we pissed the enemy off!!   My step dad started in with abuse.  He accused me of horrible things. (having sex with my mom, being the devil, being a loser)  That’s just the tip of the ice berg.  As most of you heard in my timeline you are aware of the abuse I have endured my whole life from this person.  He threatened my life and told me he was going to pray that night and ask God that I would die.
 
     With everything that had been going on with Steph, the normal daily struggles and now the abuse from my childhood monster, I felt I was at my ropes end.  I have been fighting depression, self-pity and Isolation from community.  Basically, to put it bluntly, the enemy was beating the shit out of me!
 
     Becky K. called last weekend and stuck her nose in my business!! ( I thank God for that!) She asked if she could come over and pray with us. I could not believe I said “YES!!”  She came and just listened to me, showed me some attention and love from the Holy Spirit that I needed.  She came in with the full armor of God on and rebuked the enemy!  When she went home in the flesh, her heart was still with us in prayer. I know that, and I felt that.  That’s the “CHURCH”, “THE REAL BODY OF CHRIST!” 
 
     This week has been trying and a struggle, like being in the desert with little water.  God has been doing something in my life, I don’t really understand it.  But, I don’t think it’s for me to understand!!  Friday, I felt a thousand pounds being lifted off me, almost like being set free from a trap.  My hunger for Jesus is stronger than ever and I am in awe of Gods power.  I am in awe of the power of prayer.  I am in awe of the love I have received through my struggle.
 
     To be honest, I really did not want to write this tonight, but I felt like it was what God wanted me to do for the sake of his church.  I really don’t understand that, but I have found that there is a lot I don’t understand..
 
Your Brother in Christ,
Brian

(The Message:Romans 9:33)
“Careful!”, I’ve put a huge stone on the road to mount Zion, a stone you can’t get around. But the stone is me! If your looking for me, You’ll find me on the way, not in the way.
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God really used this passage to communicate with me the other night. I always look at him as in my way! I feel sometimes I’m walking on a path and I see the stone in the middle of it and all I care about is whats on the other side of it and how exactly am I going to get there.

Since we have been dealing with Stephs testing, not knowing what is going to be the outcome, My step-dad’s abuse continues, I will be celebrating 39 years of abuse from him, worrying about our finances, worrying about what the market is going to do, worrying if my company is going under, worrying that I’ve pissed people off at church, worrying about our daughter and her life, worrying about our son and the choices he’s making. I try to fix these things, looking for band-aids to repair the unrepairable. I am the “MAN”, I can make it all better!!! *sigh*

I feel as though these things are on the other side of the stone. I keep trying to look around the stone and figure out what’s going on and how I can occupy my time with solutions for these things. I look around this nuisance stone, I would move it but I can’t! It’s always in my way!

I’ve never looked at my relationship with God like this until the other night when Steph and I were reading together. God showed this to me! He’s standing in the middle of my path, with his arms open, and I just push his arms away and try to look beyond him! I ignore him! I can’t believe how selfish I am! He loves me so much (John 3:16) He gives me “GRACE”!!

Father,
I want to find you on the way and not in my way. You are my rock and I pray you would teach me how to be content with just that. To not worry about what’s on the other side, but to only concern myself with you and me. I want you to stand in my path, I want you to change me.
Thank you Father for your word and the understanding that you give.

Your son,
Brian