I haven’t typed here in awhile.. God has been doing a huge work in me and my wife. I feel like sharing, so I pray that God will use this to maybe touch someone who is seeking according to his will.
About four weeks or so ago, my wife had been complaining of her arm and her leg going complety numb. So we thought she should go to the Doctor. She went to see the doctor on a Thursday, and he did a few simple tests and came to the conclusion that my wife will need more extensive tests with a brain specialist. The doctor kinda gave us the notion to think it could be a brain tumor, but he wanted to rule this out. My wife called me at work after she had seen the doctor and told me this news. I felt melty,scared,conquered,pissed. After I got off the phone with her, I started to pray, but felt dry? I frantically opened my bible and started to read, looking for some sort of comfort? I found nothing?? My head started to spin, thoughts about my faith started going through my head; Am I really a Christ follower?
Do I trust God?
All of a sudden I screamed in my head, “I DON’T TRUST GOD!” I love Jesus so much, but yet I don’t trust him? I started to think of ways I could fix the problem with my wife, how can I make things better? All I found was that I am helpless.. and this made me very sad. I had shared my feeling with a lady I work with, I thought she was a Christ follower? She talked the talk? She was apalled that I would feel this way,she said I need to go talk to a paster. Now looking back, the enemy was beating the crap out of me!! The next day was Friday and depression and guilt were my new friends. I kept praying to God, Please take this crap from me! I want to trust you! At this point I am ready to cry at the littlest things, so emotional.
Saturday came and I woke up and went to my mens group. These guys are my brothers, my mirror, my community. I had shared with them what was going on, thinking maybe this would take away the emotions I was feeling. IT DIDN”T!!! I went home and my wife was still at the church doing her Saturday womens group, so I sat on the couch, just simmering in my own pity. Then the phone rang!! It was this guy who had led me and my wife to Christ back in 1993!! We talk maybe 4 or 5 times a year. He told me that God told him to call, because something was wrong!! I started crying, he started crying. I told him what was going on. It flowed out of me just like water through a broken dam. I told him about my struggles with not trusting God!! He said, “Brother, You don’t have the power not to trust God!” WOW!!!!!!! I don’t have the power!!! We began to talk and pray and cry and love each other. Two men embraced in love over one subject, one shared love, and one body/bride of Christ. Nothing is more beautiful!! Over the phone he loved me, he shared in my pain, he took part of what I was feeling onto himself!! This is what the body of Christ should be all the time!!!
That night, my wife and I had our mixed group, and had been invited for dinner at the K’s house. These two people, this man and woman, has touched our lives more than they will ever know!! My wife and I started to share with them what had been going on, I became so broken. Tears just flowed and so did my heart. These two people are part of our journey and I thank God for that!!
Since then my wife has gone for an MRI, and they have discovered four spots on her brain. She will have to go through a few more tests to rule out M.S. The Dr. said in his opinion, this is what it could be, the beginings of M.S.
You know, I alway thought that I was my wifes teacher, that I was pushing the weeds out of the way to make the path easier? *laugh* My wife, through her braveness, her love for God, her Trust in God, her faith!! She has taught me more than I could ever put into words!! She is in love with Jesus, and for this I give God praise!!!
Because of this time in our journey that my wife and I are induring. Because of this struggle of not knowing. God has given us new eyes to see each other with. To cherish each moment that we spend together and to make the most of it. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been!! Our faith is stronger than it ever has been!! Our love is stronger than it ever has been!!
All I can say about all of this is:
“THANK YOU JESUS, YOU’RE ALL I WANT, YOU’RE ALL I NEED!”
p.S. Love each other in the way God loves us.
